Have you seen the best new show to hit TV in years? Thatâ€™s right, I’m talking about Deep Throat 69, new from Paragraph, the same company that brought us Star Pecker. Deep Throat 69 is the name of a space station, orbiting around Babylon 5 in the ZZ Plural Zed Alpha sector, many parsecs from Earth (a parsec is a measure of distance that is impossibly far to convey, but can be reached in about three weeks by a Marie Celeste class starship, traveling at Warp 42). It existed before humans explored that portion of space, and is presumed to have been built by the same people who are building SUB III. Starfleet is currently using the station as a toll booth, as it is conveniently located at the end of Interspace 95.
Deep Throat 69 is commanded by Abraham Sissy, who is portrayed by Anyway Books. Books is a classically trained Shakespearean actor, last seen on TV dressed in black leather as a hitman, frequently saying, “Yo”. Books brings a commanding presence to his role as (a) Sissy (commanding means having very little or no hair and speaking quite loudly). Sissy, a single parent, was formerly starship commander, but was forced to command the far outpost after it was learned that he had hired an illegal alien to take care of his son, Jake (We’re talking
alien here, as in the dude was blue, had antennae, and had a strange craving for Brussels sprouts). Books must be happy with his increased vocabulary, as he is now able to say things like, “Fire photon torpedos,” and “Yo, beam me up!”
Transporter chief Oâ€™Fryin was beamed over from the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise Zone, the stars of “Star Pecker: The Next Penetration”. Fans of that show will be relieved to know that he still utters his best line, “Stop calling me Scotty!” Oâ€™Fryin is also joined by his lovely wife and their kid.
Jax-in-the-box is a very unique creature. A woman in a fast food restaurant ate a tainted hamburger that made her hallucinate and swallow a bottle of tequila. Unknown to her, the worm at the bottom of the bottle was still alive, and sentient. The body of the creature is that of the woman, the only hint of her inhumanity being that she always has as strong craving for burritos.
As we later discover, Commander Sissy met the worm earlier in his career (previously in a male form), but refused to swallow.
Major Krrrch! (to reproduce this sound, just stick your finger down your throat), Sissy’s second in command, is a Bewhoran. Bewhorans are a race of people that look like a humans, but could really use some plastic surgery in the nasal area. The Major, being a woman, is forced to wear a tight fitting uniform emphasizing her breasts, to the ever-lasting delight of male Expulsion editors. She took her tight fitting jacket off in the first episode, causing most of the male staff to breathe heavy.
Nodoze is the head of security for Deep Throat 69. He is made up entirely of used condoms, and is able to form himself into anything he can think of. For an unknown reason, he really gets a kick out of making himself into jello, then exploding when anyone eats him. He also enjoys turning himself into a (Trojan) horse. The effects used in this involve the computers used to create the special effects in 1991’s hit movie, Sperminator II.
The producers were smart and hired Ross Perot to play the Faringo, Spork. He brings a much needed comic impact to the show in his continued lectures to Sissy on how he should be Commander. Mitilik redrum redrum redrumâ€¦ excuse me, I don’t know what I was thinking. Anyway, Perot spends most of his time talking about the Federation’s doomed economic program and hitting on the Clingons women, an alien species that looks something like the brown streak in a pair of dirty underwear.
The villains on the show are the Corpsepasiians, a race of undead zombies who will stop at nothing to eat human food. However, they have poor eyesight and have mistaken Marriot food for human food, much to the delight of Deep Throat 69, who have given them all of theirs. In addition, the replicators keep making copies of the Republican economic program, fortunately short as it is.
The main gathering place on Deep Throat 69 is the Promenade, an intergalactic cantina. Two frequent visitors are Woodward and Bernstein, two reporters who keep asking to meet Deep Throat, then get very violent when everyone sends them to the doctor for observation.
The main action centers around the station’s function as a toll booth. The rush hour traffic snarls up the station every day, and Sissy is forced to disintegrate all drivers who drive on the shoulder. Coming soon to Deep Throat 69 is P, often a guest star on “Star Pecker: The Next Penetration.” P is an omnipotent being, modeled after Gene Roddleberry, creator of “Star Pecker.”
A new position at Deep Throat 69 is Director of Docking Services. The new director will have the responsibility of ticketing all starships within 30 milliseconds after docking, except for ships owned by Docking Services or Pocking Services directors, of course. All starships left unattended will be towed and dumped into a black hole. Deep Throat 69 hopes to generate approximately 70% of its income through Docking Services.
[Originally published in Expulsion, an independent George Mason University student newspaper]