Expulsion publisher Timothy D. “Cheez Whiz” Jasionowski had actually had a good idea. True, he was high off lighter fluid at the time, but he wanted a concert. Saturday night. At Expulsion HQ. I said “fine”, and Expulsionpalooza ’94 was born.
Immediately, I contacted resident net addict, Alfred L. Bumbletweed. He was able to contact Pink Floyd’s David Gilmour’s brother’s chauffeur’s barber and subsequently managed to convince Dave that we had $60,000 here with his name on it if he could bring Pink Floyd. He agreed and our headliner was set.
I knew I needed a good second act and, having no Pearl Jam tickets, I thought I’d try to sign them on. I contacted Eddie Vedder through his publicist and let him know that this was a charity concert to try and save the spotted Mason squirrel, endangered by the building of SUB III (excuse me, the big Johnson). He quickly agreed, but I knew I needed at least one more act.
Then it hit me. Jimi Hendrix. Still as popular today as 20 years ago. So he’s dead, big deal. I know some dudes at Disney’s America who would be able to fix him right up.
I was able to sell out the available 125 tickets in a little over six hours and immediately began to set up the stage out back. People started showing up around 3 p.m. even though the event wasn’t scheduled to start until 8 p.m., so of course I started selling beer. It’s simply amazing what kind of profit you can make selling beer at $5.00 a bottle, especially to thirsty college students. In fact, by the time Floyd showed up at 7:00, I had their cash in hand.
We thought we’d have Jimi open up. Unfortunately, he resisted any of our attempts to make him play. We were forced to duct tape him to one of Pink Floyd’s inflatable pigs, tie a stick of dynamite to his guitar, and throw a match. Some people claimed they liked that better than Pink Floyd’s light show, but I think that’s just because they blew their retinas out.
Next up was Pearl Jam. Eddie was a little upset when he found out that the squirrels weren’t really endangered, but we held a gun to the head of Expulsion mascot Hobbes the Tiger until he agreed to play. Being pissed, he subjected us to annoying songs like “Achy Breaky Heart”, Barney’s “I Love You, You Love Me”, and “I’m A Little Teapot Short And Stout”. After that depressing performance we shot Hobbes anyway, as well as Eddie.
Finally it was time for Pink Floyd. A truly amazing show, highlighted by songs from Dark Side, The Wall, and the new album, The Division Bell. The show climaxed by sending Expulsion HQ into a black hole. Frankly, I’m not sure I’ll ever see as good a show again, and the other three survivors agree with me.